We made it to 30 weeks, today! And no sign of baby coming any time soon! So, I have been on bedrest for 6 weeks, and I have 6 more weeks to go, which puts me halfway there.
I'll be honest and admit that this past week was a tough week. On Monday, I told Paul that I couldn't do this lying around thing anymore. I feel like I am missing out on precious time with my son and I am sick of asking Paul to bring me a napkin, or a pen, or my book or my water bottle. I just long for the days when he could come home from work and relax while I got dinner together. So, I started to rebel while passing by the kitchen...I couldn't help but stop and wash a few dishes... and put the peanut butter and cereal boxes back in the cupboard...and re-organize our junk drawer... I also started to fret about how my hair looked, and spend more time standing in front of the mirror and standing and staring at the clothes in my closet. Yesterday I was sick of John Paul's puzzle pieces lying on the floor so I started to pick up his toys and books as well as anything else out of place in the living room.
O, how selfish of me to do those things. Is cleaning a few dishes really worth jeopardizing my condition and posing risks to my little one? Of course not, but I let the feelings of uselessness and lack of control get the best of me. What is it about women and needing to be in control? Eve, in Genesis, sure gave in to the temptation to control when she disobeyed God. She ate fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, because she needed to know for herself. She couldn't stand to just obey anymore, she wanted to take matters into her own hands, and decide for herself what was good and evil. Maybe she couldn't stand things being out of her control. Most women I know can't stand being out of control (including me, obviously). This is why I am in awe of Mary, the Blessed Mother. She was so good at letting go of control. Her faith was firm and unchanging, even though she was homeless in Bethlehem the night she gave birth. Her entire life, and everything recorded in the Scriptures about her, is a reminder to me of what a real woman should be in the face of great challenges. She simply trusted in God. And that takes more faith, strength and endurance than selfishly trying to grasp control of situations that we were never meant to control in the first place.
So, after my little fit of selfishness over the past few days, I have come to my senses. Paul checked out a new book for me at the library and I have a renewed determination to make it another 6 weeks on the couch. I still have temptation to be like Eve, and I'm sure it will haunt me for the next month and a half, but I am praying that Mary will open her arms to me at this time and show me how to obey and trust like she did.
For those of you that have asked for prayers, I also have a renewed commitment to continue to offer your intentions to Our Merciful Lord.
Immaculate Mary, Pray for us.
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